Yesterday….no emotion. Totally numb.
Last week. The week before….and the week before……..Nothing. Numb.
Wait – I take it back. I do feel something…..A little buzz. Yep. I have a a buzz. And now a bit of fear.
Will this third glass….or is it the fourth? Fifth? Will this glass of booze bring out the emotion? Are the flood gates about to open? Which flood will it be tonight? Will it be anxiety about what might be? Or memories of what has been?
And this is how it goes…..
Sometimes a couple of drinks helps. It lets me feel SOMETHING. A lot of the time, just a drink or two eases the numbness and that is all I need. Other times, like tonight, the numbness is too deep. Too dark. Too numb. It’s been numb for too long…..So I keep drinking…..Hoping to feel something….
I know it’s not healthy. I know this is not the way to feel something. It is not a real feeling. It is totally artificial. And it is not real emotion.
But….tomorrow I know I will have a real feeling. My head will hurt. My body will ache. I will be extra tired. Emotion? I will have at least a little emotion – regret. Because I know this is not the best way to handle my situation. And yet, this is what I do….
This is how it usually goes. But this time it has been too long. It has been weeks since I have felt anything. I haven’t even been able to get mad at my wife!! Sorry – that was an attempt at humor. And that isn’t even working….
Why has it been so long? Am I blocking something? Avoiding? Or have “things” gotten worse? Have I moved backwards instead of forwards?
And what will happen when things break loose?
I understand that this is typical of PTSD. Periods of extreme emotion followed by periods of no emotion. Makes sense. I guess. But this is unusual. It’s been quite a while since I have been this numb for this long. The last time….when the emotions came, they came in full force. It was overwhelming for days…Oddly enough, I felt the need to drink……to drown out the feelings…..
Ok…there’s a hint of another emotion – Frustration. I am frustrated at the cycle. At the lack of progress. I want so bad to move beyond this and be “normal” again. But it is so far out of reach…It seems to get further away instead of closer…..
Tonight it’s not working. I’ve had plenty to drink, but still nothing. I feel nothing.
I give up…..